January 29, 2013 by bootsie90
I decided to start this blog for several reasons. 1) Sometimes I feel like I’m in a glass case of emotion with no way to get out 2) While I’m a very chatty and personable human being, expressing my actual feelings, especially to people that I even remotely care about, is incredibly difficult and 3) I’ve recently come to realize that there are several things in my life that I’m not totally “over” (whatever that means) and therefore need to keep working through them, and this will keep me at least somewhat accountable.
What are those things you may ask? Don’t worry guys, we’ll get to that. I’m not trying to dive into all that is crazy town just before I go to bed, my dreams are weird enough. But I will say this, while I love my family, they have very much shaped me into all that is this, the good/bad/ugly. In short, my mom is wonderful, but has PLENTY of her own issues, my brother is a borderline fuck up, but in a charming way, my grandmother (who helped raise me) is ball buster number one, but it comes from a good place, and my father, well that’s a whole other barrel of monkeys.
My parents divorced before I was even a year old. My dad was an abusive alcoholic, and fortunately my mother had the sense to get out. Needless to say, my father and I did not have a “#1 Dad” kind of relationship. After many tumultuous years I ended all contact with my father back in 2009. On Christmas Eve to be exact. Fast forward to Spring of 2012, ie Spring semester of my senior year of college, ie I had negative fucks to give, my father suddenly (although maybe not so suddenly) passed away due to liver failure caused by his many years of drinking.
When my mother told me this I literally felt like life had sucker punched me in the face, and while I was reeling from that punched me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of me, and then proceeded to sweep my feet from under me just for shits and giggles (not to be dramatic). I spent TONS of time with my therapist working through a lot of stuff, and we made a fair amount of progress. However, me being the stubborn person I am deemed myself cured and free of any issues. HA! Jokes on jokes! As the one year anniversary of my father’s passing approaches, I have quickly realized that there are still plenty of things for me to work on, and so this blog begins.