Boo You Whore!

6

March 21, 2013 by bootsie90

Yeah, because I read comic books.

I’m just going to say this now, I have no idea what on God’s green earth a ‘Taskmaster’ is, but I heard my roommate talking about it and the Avengers and I found it incredibly appropriate for my life. Also, I just took a serious cocktail of cold medicine, allergy medicine, and vitamins so I’m going to try to keep this short before the delirium sets in, although perhaps that’s already happened.

It’s official, I’m getting a sinus infection, which are the absolute worst things on the face of the planet. I ALWAYS get them at the absolute most inconvenient times, which generally coincide with the same times when I’m getting no sleep, I’m super stressed, and not doing much of anything in the way of nutrition.

Lately it’s felt like my brain has been spinning even faster than usual. I can’t really focus on much of anything for more than like 5 seconds, everything seems confusing and complicated and like it takes way more thought and effort than it normally does, and I can’t remember a damn thing for the life of me. I’ve mostly been blaming it on the impending sinus infection, but I think we all know that’s way too easy of an explanation to probably be true. I almost got in an accident tonight because I was distracted counting the calories I had just consumed at dinner with some friends. “I’m sorry officer, it wasn’t my fault. It was the chips and salsa that are now causing my thighs to balloon. Who can drive with thunder thighs???” Like seriously, who am I?

I sat down with my boss at the production company today to map out a schedule/plan of attack for the next few months as we prepare for our trip to New York. Initially it felt good to be planning. I had clear tasks and goals, a timeline, all the things I love really. But after about my 5 second attention span gave way I found it harder and harder to focus. I had to keep asking her to repeat things, and eventually I was just swimming in a sea of dates and goals that only sort of made sense.

I’ve been reading this book called Life Without Ed and the author describes that one of the many minions of Ed is Ms. Perfectionist. Sure enough, she quickly chimed in and reminded me that if I ever wanted to do anything with my life, I better get over whatever baby problems I was experiencing, get my shit together, and make a plan. Then Ed chimed in and reminded me that it was almost snack time and if I wanted that luna bar, I had better figure it out, or forgo my snack until I did. Sometimes it’s clearer when it’s Ed talking, versus when it’s me talking, but regardless, he always makes so much sense that I can’t help but agree.

As I sat with my calendar, making to do lists and schedules I skipped my luna bar until the work was done. It was like this whole other person had taken over. She was efficient, confident, focused, all the things I feel like I’m not. These voices, Ms. Perfectionist and Ed, have probably been with me for a large portion of my life, Ms. Perfectionist especially. She’s the voice that screams “Boo you whore!” when I say, “I’m sick.” In her defense she’s served a serious purpose. She gotten me great grades (I had a 3.9 GPA when I graduated high school), she got me into an amazing college on a full ride, really she led me to excel in most everything that I set out to do. She, accompanied with Ed, and Lord knows who else, helped me achieve and succeed. They allow me to power through and get the job done exceptionally well, despite the circumstances.

The problem is I’m actually sick and feel like I can’t stop to get better. I don’t want to go into work tomorrow, but I will, because not going is for babies. I want to take a step back from the world and focus on taking care of myself, but all I hear is how selfish I’m being and how people are depending on me and I’m letting them down, which makes me a terrible, worthless person. Taking care of myself means not getting things done, and that makes me want to throw up more than the stress of trying to get everything done.

I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and neither option seems terribly appealing. Continuing my love affair with Ed means I have the feeling of functionality, continued success, and of course, thinness, but at some serious, crazy town risks. Breaking up with Ed means being free of said crazy town, but also not being able to do all the things that I manage to do now, and settling for a lesser, incapable self. Neither makes me feel good, and in fact both make me feel incredibly helpless, which just sends me running to Ed for comfort and “normalcy.” So, I refer back to my favorite option of hiding under my covers until it all magically fixes itself.